Last week I received a dental bill in the mail. My husband and I had recently had our 6 month cleanings, and as usual they were scheduled a few days apart since I travel and he can only go early in the morning. We can never make it on the same day, but we generally make it work.
The first thing I did upon receiving my bill was examine the charges. We both had x-rays which were covered by our insurance in full, and then we both had cleanings as well. My cleaning, for $76 was paid by insurance, but my husband's was not. Since we have identical coverage through my work this seemed odd to me and I decided to investigate.
Let me pause for a moment, because already, the steps I just detailed above of simply reviewing a bill and thinking about it critically, is a dramatic change from how I once acted. Just a few short years ago I never paid attention to the details. I paid what was asked whether it was a bill with a potential mistake, an item of clothing that could be purchased elsewhere for less, or a fancy bottle of lotion even though an identical off brand version was available. I never thought critically about how I was using those hard earned dollars because I had no sense of the true value, in effort and time, that my money had.
Now I do.
When I see a possible erroneous charge for a mere $76 I think about all of the things I've done this month to save money. I went to the beauty school instead of my normal salon to save $18 on my haircut. I scoured the Internet to find my face wash for a better price with no shipping on eBay to save $30. When we go to Last Vegas next month we plan on taking the bus for $2 a person instead of taking taxis which will save us $44. Taking these extra steps which require additional effort and time will save us a total of $92, and after paying for a dental cleaning that should be covered and included as part of my benefits package, we will only have about $16 left. Very frustrating.
So, I got to work. I called my Dental insurance and got thoroughly frustrated when it was literally impossible to get a real person on the line. I don't know who sets up these phone systems, but they are quite clever. I was stuck in a never ending loop of automated selections and finally gave up out of exhaustion. Next I called my mom who used to work in the dental industry and asked if I was onto something. Would my husband's cleaning not be covered when mine was?
She said that most likely his appointment was not scheduled a full 6 months from the previous appointment. Immediately I got a pit in my stomach thinking I could have avoided this if I had been more on top of things. She told me that it was typically the dentist office's responsibility to make sure you had 6 months in between appointments, but I learned my lesson to always keep track myself. She suggested I call the dentist to see if the appointment was in fact made too soon, or if there was a possible error that would require the claim to be resubmitted.
I called my dentist office and since they were closed on Fridays I left a message explaining my situation. The next week I was travelling for work so I missed the follow-up calls, but I was pleased when the dental office called to say they had made a mistake, booked the appointment too soon, but had called the insurance company and gotten a one time grace period since we were only 2 days off.
Hooray!
I can't even tell you how good I feel knowing that I'm not paying for a service that should have been covered by my insurance. And this brings me to my tip for today; fight for what's yours. Suze Orman is famous for saying "no one will ever care about our money as much as you" and she's totally right. I used to feel embarrassed to ask that something be corrected if it meant that I'd get money back. I felt petty and worried that I was being an annoyance.
But now I value each and every dollar that I earn and I reserve the right to spend it as I please. On top of it, I've been amazed at how often I've been able to get a charge reversed even if I was in fact at fault, just like in this situation. I've gone over my minutes on my cell phone plan, called the provider, and had them retroactively change me to a higher plan so I wouldn't be charged the overages.
My rule is that I'm always nice when I call, and I always own up to my mistakes, but I ask if anything can be done. And if you're a good customer, and treat people with respect, you'd be amazed at how often they can help you.
Phoebe
Welcome
Monday, May 20, 2013
Friday, May 17, 2013
How To Find Motivation To Tighten The Belt
If you've paid off your debt, have a healthy emergency fund, and save a large portion of your income it can be hard to find the motivation to tighten the belt. I know this all too well as we have gone for long periods of time lasting months on end, where we've dropped the ball and started to retreat back to our old ways.
We never do anything too crazy, making big purchases like cars or jewelry, but I almost wish we would. Instead we start going out to fast food restaurants, spending too much on groceries by buying soda and junk food, and taking advantage of other convenience items. We wind up with nothing to show for our little binge, and yet we've spent a few thousand extra dollars with a blink of an eye.
But why does it really matter if we spend a few extra thousand? We have a lot of money saved up, and a couple thousand certainly doesn't derail our goals, so why push so hard?
I think there are a few valuable reasons for continuing to focus on reigning in your spending regardless of your financial position. The first reason is that it's important to continue to exercise the frugality muscles. It's so easy to fall back into your old ways and spend mindlessly. I've had those months where I feel like I spent perhaps an extra $100 and come to find that we actually spent another $1000 on virtually nothing.
The second reason I have for trying to tighten my belt is to lower the minimum cost of living for our family. While we have plenty of money now, I am very aware of the possibility of that changing at some point. We may experience a job loss, a health crisis, or some other unforeseen incident that suddenly puts us into self preservation mode and we need to be able to bring our cost of living down to bare bones. It's obvious that we can cut out our annual vacation, cancel Internet and the like, but at around $40,000 of annual spending for just my husband and I, I know it's possible to bring this down more, which will become even more critical when we have children.
Lastly, it's fun! Once you get a taste of spending your money efficiently, it can feel pretty awful to waste it. Every time I spend more than I should on something simply due to my own laziness I feel like a bloated couch potato. As human beings I think we are driven to be productive and when we sit back and take the easy way out it doesn't feel so good. Interestingly enough, I'm not the only person who feels this way. A reader of Mr. Money Mustache shared that he was bored spending on modern conveniences and even though he was extremely wealthy he planned on tightening his own belt.
So how do you find the motivation to actually take the steps to move forward when that urgency of looming debt no longer exists? I've struggled with this myself and here is what I have found to work; I create an incentive bucket where any extra savings will go.
The goal when we're tightening our belt is to lower our minimum cost of living and to be intentional with any extra funds that we choose to spend, and telling ourselves that the extra $100 we can save each month will go to our savings just doesn't cut it. But, if we instead say that any money we can save from last year will go to a trip, we're suddenly pumped up and raring to go. It doesn't have to be a trip, instead you could earmark those funds to a charity near to your heart, to purchase a fancy piece of jewelry you've been eyeing, or to take a family member out to a memorable meal.
Even if you wind up spending the same amount in 2013 as you did in 2012, if the amount needed to support your minimum cost of living decreases, it's been a success. If a job loss occurred suddenly, knowing where you can trim the fat immediately to sustain your family through the lean months is critical. And it's during the plentiful times that we need to remain most vigilant.
What can you do to tighten your belt?
Phoebe
We never do anything too crazy, making big purchases like cars or jewelry, but I almost wish we would. Instead we start going out to fast food restaurants, spending too much on groceries by buying soda and junk food, and taking advantage of other convenience items. We wind up with nothing to show for our little binge, and yet we've spent a few thousand extra dollars with a blink of an eye.
But why does it really matter if we spend a few extra thousand? We have a lot of money saved up, and a couple thousand certainly doesn't derail our goals, so why push so hard?
I think there are a few valuable reasons for continuing to focus on reigning in your spending regardless of your financial position. The first reason is that it's important to continue to exercise the frugality muscles. It's so easy to fall back into your old ways and spend mindlessly. I've had those months where I feel like I spent perhaps an extra $100 and come to find that we actually spent another $1000 on virtually nothing.
The second reason I have for trying to tighten my belt is to lower the minimum cost of living for our family. While we have plenty of money now, I am very aware of the possibility of that changing at some point. We may experience a job loss, a health crisis, or some other unforeseen incident that suddenly puts us into self preservation mode and we need to be able to bring our cost of living down to bare bones. It's obvious that we can cut out our annual vacation, cancel Internet and the like, but at around $40,000 of annual spending for just my husband and I, I know it's possible to bring this down more, which will become even more critical when we have children.
Lastly, it's fun! Once you get a taste of spending your money efficiently, it can feel pretty awful to waste it. Every time I spend more than I should on something simply due to my own laziness I feel like a bloated couch potato. As human beings I think we are driven to be productive and when we sit back and take the easy way out it doesn't feel so good. Interestingly enough, I'm not the only person who feels this way. A reader of Mr. Money Mustache shared that he was bored spending on modern conveniences and even though he was extremely wealthy he planned on tightening his own belt.
So how do you find the motivation to actually take the steps to move forward when that urgency of looming debt no longer exists? I've struggled with this myself and here is what I have found to work; I create an incentive bucket where any extra savings will go.
The goal when we're tightening our belt is to lower our minimum cost of living and to be intentional with any extra funds that we choose to spend, and telling ourselves that the extra $100 we can save each month will go to our savings just doesn't cut it. But, if we instead say that any money we can save from last year will go to a trip, we're suddenly pumped up and raring to go. It doesn't have to be a trip, instead you could earmark those funds to a charity near to your heart, to purchase a fancy piece of jewelry you've been eyeing, or to take a family member out to a memorable meal.
Even if you wind up spending the same amount in 2013 as you did in 2012, if the amount needed to support your minimum cost of living decreases, it's been a success. If a job loss occurred suddenly, knowing where you can trim the fat immediately to sustain your family through the lean months is critical. And it's during the plentiful times that we need to remain most vigilant.
What can you do to tighten your belt?
Phoebe
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Investing In Our Godchild's Future
My husband and I are the godparents to our baby niece who is a little less than one year old. In my family godparents were there at the baptism but did not really do anything differently than my other aunts and uncles throughout the rest of my life. In my husband's family however, godparents are expected to bestow extra gifts on the godchild, which makes me feel a little uncomfortable.
The reason that I feel uneasy is that I have other nieces and nephews who are not my godchildren and I feel a little unfair giving them less. To make things even more complicated I have some step nieces and nephews who I didn't meet until they were elementary school aged and so I feel there is already a natural inclination for them to feel like they aren't as valued members of the family as their brothers and sisters who I have known since birth. Plus, their godparents are through their other parent's family, and so I don't know what they are receiving so that I can match it.
Then there is another layer of complexity. First, the child has not actually been baptized. We were formally asked to be godparents and I think they had every intention of having a Christening, but this family just isn't all that organized. I wouldn't be surprised if it never happens. This rubs me the wrong way a bit since the point of being godparents is to encourage the child in their faith and in our denomination baptism is extremely important. Still, we've decided to go along and act as her godparents since that was the intent.
The second layer of complexity is that we don't think it's likely that our children will receive gifts from this family. At Christmas my husband and I typically receive a joint gift costing about $15, while we spend $25 per person for their 5 person family. We are happy to spend this on them. We love them and $25 seems like such a small token of appreciation, but it is sometimes hard after their family pulls up in a new pick up truck, the mom carrying a new $300 Coach purse, and the eldest daughter chatting about her new Wii system. If they couldn't afford a gift we would have zero problem with it whatsoever, but we do feel a bit slighted at times since it is obvious that they are willing to spend on themselves but not on us.
So we've been discussing numerous options for how to deal with this situation and we are really excited about where we landed.
We've decided to open up a 529 account for our goddaughter, and we will be contributing $25 each birthday and Christmas to it, in addition to the $25 gift she will be receiving as all of the other nieces and nephews. By the time she's 18 we're hoping she will have $1000 she can use towards books, and in the meantime she will still get a fun toy to play with just like her siblings.
We feel really good about our choice for a couple of reasons. First, in my head I'm treating this like charitable donations. We are very fortunate to make the kind of money we do and to have the wealth and security that allows us to give generously. It's really easy to start comparing the cost of gifts, but we can't get caught up in the petty feelings of unfairness, and instead we should feel grateful for the bounty that we have. Here's where I plan on faking it 'till I make it.
Secondly, I want to feel like the extra money we are contributing for our godchild is of value. She already has more toys than she will ever need, and knowing that we could help her pay for some of those expensive college text books feels really good. I also like knowing that our money has to be used for school. We could just give her a check when she graduates from high school but I want to make sure it helps her get an education and doesn't go to new clothes or a down payment on a car, which I probably would have done at 18.
Lastly, it promotes saving and placing a value on education. Our goddaughter has two parents that dropped out of college, and I'm almost certain they are not thinking about saving for her tuition. I'm hopeful that setting up a 529 account will get her parents to start thinking about the future, and it may also provide them with an idea of what to ask for what grandparents start wanting gift ideas. In addition, I'm hoping that someday our godchild will see the value of saving and investing as she realizes that by sending two $25 checks per year, we were able to give her a nice chunk of change to head off and start her life.
Now for researching the 529 plan we want to enroll in!
Phoebe
The reason that I feel uneasy is that I have other nieces and nephews who are not my godchildren and I feel a little unfair giving them less. To make things even more complicated I have some step nieces and nephews who I didn't meet until they were elementary school aged and so I feel there is already a natural inclination for them to feel like they aren't as valued members of the family as their brothers and sisters who I have known since birth. Plus, their godparents are through their other parent's family, and so I don't know what they are receiving so that I can match it.
Then there is another layer of complexity. First, the child has not actually been baptized. We were formally asked to be godparents and I think they had every intention of having a Christening, but this family just isn't all that organized. I wouldn't be surprised if it never happens. This rubs me the wrong way a bit since the point of being godparents is to encourage the child in their faith and in our denomination baptism is extremely important. Still, we've decided to go along and act as her godparents since that was the intent.
The second layer of complexity is that we don't think it's likely that our children will receive gifts from this family. At Christmas my husband and I typically receive a joint gift costing about $15, while we spend $25 per person for their 5 person family. We are happy to spend this on them. We love them and $25 seems like such a small token of appreciation, but it is sometimes hard after their family pulls up in a new pick up truck, the mom carrying a new $300 Coach purse, and the eldest daughter chatting about her new Wii system. If they couldn't afford a gift we would have zero problem with it whatsoever, but we do feel a bit slighted at times since it is obvious that they are willing to spend on themselves but not on us.
So we've been discussing numerous options for how to deal with this situation and we are really excited about where we landed.
We've decided to open up a 529 account for our goddaughter, and we will be contributing $25 each birthday and Christmas to it, in addition to the $25 gift she will be receiving as all of the other nieces and nephews. By the time she's 18 we're hoping she will have $1000 she can use towards books, and in the meantime she will still get a fun toy to play with just like her siblings.
We feel really good about our choice for a couple of reasons. First, in my head I'm treating this like charitable donations. We are very fortunate to make the kind of money we do and to have the wealth and security that allows us to give generously. It's really easy to start comparing the cost of gifts, but we can't get caught up in the petty feelings of unfairness, and instead we should feel grateful for the bounty that we have. Here's where I plan on faking it 'till I make it.
Secondly, I want to feel like the extra money we are contributing for our godchild is of value. She already has more toys than she will ever need, and knowing that we could help her pay for some of those expensive college text books feels really good. I also like knowing that our money has to be used for school. We could just give her a check when she graduates from high school but I want to make sure it helps her get an education and doesn't go to new clothes or a down payment on a car, which I probably would have done at 18.
Lastly, it promotes saving and placing a value on education. Our goddaughter has two parents that dropped out of college, and I'm almost certain they are not thinking about saving for her tuition. I'm hopeful that setting up a 529 account will get her parents to start thinking about the future, and it may also provide them with an idea of what to ask for what grandparents start wanting gift ideas. In addition, I'm hoping that someday our godchild will see the value of saving and investing as she realizes that by sending two $25 checks per year, we were able to give her a nice chunk of change to head off and start her life.
Now for researching the 529 plan we want to enroll in!
Phoebe
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Attack Your Debt #20: It's Not About Deprivation
If you're just starting out on your money journey, the future may look a little bleak. You're reading about "cutting back" and "living within your means" and if you're anything like me that sounds like it translates into "giving up all your fun." Unfortunately I may be perpetuating the idea that you have to deprive yourself in order to succeed at saving money with my posts on feeling jealous of other people spending more than me.
Sure, I do get jealous, and I want to share that because it's part of the journey. But largely, my jealously revolves around how others perceive me as being less successful. That's a hard pill for me to swallow, since I'm quite proud of what I've accomplished professionally and personally, but at the root of it, we are so pleased with how we are living our lives and spending our money.
Getting your financial life under control is not about deprivation, it's about efficiency.
This took me a long time to wrap my head around. For much of my life I associated more spending with more fun. You want to have an amazing meal? Go to the fanciest restaurant downtown. You want to look beautiful? Go to the swanky salon and ask for the most expensive stylist for the full treatment. You want to look fashionable? Head to the mall and go straight for the designer section.
In truth, these approaches usually produced strong results. I had a great meal at the fancy restaurant, I got a great haircut (though the color wasn't right and killed the texture of my hair) at the swanky salon, and my clothes from the designer section looked great on me. The problem was at the end of the month. I had achieved my spur of the moment objectives, but I had ignored the long term consequences.
Staring at my credit card bill I felt scared and desperate and the things I had spent my money on seemed like distant memories. The great meal I had eaten had been digested, I was over my hair cut and color and was already scouting out new looks for my next appointment, and the clothes were laying at the bottom of my closet and no longer had the charm of their newness anymore. Each month I'd ask where my money went, since I never had anything really big or nice to show for my debt.
It took me a few years to turn my life around. I resisted budgeting and watching my spending since I equated that with accountants and boring people who suck the fun out of life. I didn't want to be a person who cared so much about money, but rather someone who lived spontaneously with a zest for experiences with those she loved. But then I started to drown in my debt and my spontaneous lifestyle started to look more like a very deliberate plan leading to financial ruin.
So I found a way to decrease my spending and increase my happiness and it was all about using my money efficiently. One of the best ways you can force yourself to be efficient is to create very strict boundaries. For example, my husband and I each get $100 per month for fun money. Once it's gone, there is no more, so we are very careful with how we spend it. Last month my husband bought 2 Hawaiian shirts he's been wanting for our upcoming vacation for a total of $15 from Goodwill. Had he not had limited funds he would have gone straight to Macy's and paid $50 easily per shirt. Instead he got creative, and found a way to achieve the same results for 15% of the cost.
Two weeks ago I wanted some expensive face lotion, but I didn't want to cough up $95 to purchase it from the retailer online. Instead I found it on ebay for $60 with free shipping, creating the same results for 63% of the cost.
There are many other ways that we achieve a similar lifestyle to what we are accustomed to while saving money:
We've been able to creatively find ways to keep the things that we value in our lives, we've cut out the superfluous things that we don't value, and at the end of the month our networth goes up instead of down. If you're starting your money transformation journey get excited. Looking for creative ways to save your family money will increasing your happiness can be amazingly fun, and seeing the progress you're making can be flat out intoxicating.
Enjoy the ride!
Phoebe
Sure, I do get jealous, and I want to share that because it's part of the journey. But largely, my jealously revolves around how others perceive me as being less successful. That's a hard pill for me to swallow, since I'm quite proud of what I've accomplished professionally and personally, but at the root of it, we are so pleased with how we are living our lives and spending our money.
Getting your financial life under control is not about deprivation, it's about efficiency.
This took me a long time to wrap my head around. For much of my life I associated more spending with more fun. You want to have an amazing meal? Go to the fanciest restaurant downtown. You want to look beautiful? Go to the swanky salon and ask for the most expensive stylist for the full treatment. You want to look fashionable? Head to the mall and go straight for the designer section.
In truth, these approaches usually produced strong results. I had a great meal at the fancy restaurant, I got a great haircut (though the color wasn't right and killed the texture of my hair) at the swanky salon, and my clothes from the designer section looked great on me. The problem was at the end of the month. I had achieved my spur of the moment objectives, but I had ignored the long term consequences.
Staring at my credit card bill I felt scared and desperate and the things I had spent my money on seemed like distant memories. The great meal I had eaten had been digested, I was over my hair cut and color and was already scouting out new looks for my next appointment, and the clothes were laying at the bottom of my closet and no longer had the charm of their newness anymore. Each month I'd ask where my money went, since I never had anything really big or nice to show for my debt.
It took me a few years to turn my life around. I resisted budgeting and watching my spending since I equated that with accountants and boring people who suck the fun out of life. I didn't want to be a person who cared so much about money, but rather someone who lived spontaneously with a zest for experiences with those she loved. But then I started to drown in my debt and my spontaneous lifestyle started to look more like a very deliberate plan leading to financial ruin.
So I found a way to decrease my spending and increase my happiness and it was all about using my money efficiently. One of the best ways you can force yourself to be efficient is to create very strict boundaries. For example, my husband and I each get $100 per month for fun money. Once it's gone, there is no more, so we are very careful with how we spend it. Last month my husband bought 2 Hawaiian shirts he's been wanting for our upcoming vacation for a total of $15 from Goodwill. Had he not had limited funds he would have gone straight to Macy's and paid $50 easily per shirt. Instead he got creative, and found a way to achieve the same results for 15% of the cost.
Two weeks ago I wanted some expensive face lotion, but I didn't want to cough up $95 to purchase it from the retailer online. Instead I found it on ebay for $60 with free shipping, creating the same results for 63% of the cost.
There are many other ways that we achieve a similar lifestyle to what we are accustomed to while saving money:
- I get my hair professionally cut at a beauty school
- My husband makes his own flies for fly fishing
- My husband brews his own beer
- I make homemade greetings cards using stamps
- We use washable rags and cloth napkins instead of paper towels
- I buy clothes only when they're on sale
- We buy food and toiletry in bulk
- We regularly rent movies and almost never see them in theaters
We've been able to creatively find ways to keep the things that we value in our lives, we've cut out the superfluous things that we don't value, and at the end of the month our networth goes up instead of down. If you're starting your money transformation journey get excited. Looking for creative ways to save your family money will increasing your happiness can be amazingly fun, and seeing the progress you're making can be flat out intoxicating.
Enjoy the ride!
Phoebe
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
How Do I Avoid The Pity Party?
Lately I've made a few posts about feeling poor and jealous of other people spending more freely and lavishly than we are. Just today I had a hint of envy when we were catching up with some of my husband's relatives and I had nothing to share that fell within the realm of conversation. I didn't recently purchase or am planning on purchasing a home, we aren't thinking of buying a new car or fancy electronics, and we aren't planning any international trips.
Unfortunately these kinds of conversations are all too prevalent in my life and the ones where we discuss ideas, dreams, and the meaning of life are too few and far between. My husband and I were chatting on the way home, and I said that I get sick of hearing about how everyone else is spending their money and he said "it sounds like you're jealous of their spending - maybe we should spend more." But I thought about it, and that's not actually the case. I'm not jealous of the spending, I'm jealous of the perceived success that accompanies it.
For my entire life I have equated spending with wealth. When someone goes out and buys a new Mercedes, I think they must be making a fortune. When someone purchases their first home or gets it remodeled I think they must have a nice nest egg all saved up. And when I share that we are still driving our old cars, renting a small apartment, and not travelling around the world, I sense that people feel sorry for me. I sense that they assume that since my husband is in a creative field, they know he must not make a lot of money, and that we must be struggling. I sense that they think we are putting off having a baby, buying a house, and upgrading our cars because we need to get our finances under control first.
And the pity is what I hate more than anything. What's crazy is that I make far more money than my husband's family would ever guess. We are surely not to be pitied with our savings cushion and bright future ahead of us, and I wonder how I could change how we are perceived without being crass and flat out saying that we have money saved or are planning on retiring in our 30's (while I don't think that is crass, it's just not something I want to get into and have to defend at a family get together).
What I find most challenging is that I think everyone assumes we want the typical consumerist life that they are living, and we give them every reason to believe so. When we hear that someone bought a new car we congratulate them even though we don't think it's a good investment, when someone tells us they just bought a home for zero down and spent their down payment on furniture instead we tell them the furniture looks lovely and that the house will be a great investment, and when our friends share photos of them going to sporting events even though we know they have no money saved for their children to go to college we say we "wish we were there."
Our politeness is validating these decisions that we don't agree with and wouldn't make for ourselves. Part of me wants to save face and flat out say "I hope you enjoy the game, but we'd rather save the money" but that seems rude and also judgemental. The only way I have been able to say this at all is by taking a much more self deprecating approach, saying that "I hope you enjoy the game, but we're trying to save up our money" which triggers the pity face almost instantaneously. If they want to spend their money that way, I certainly don't care, but I don't want to be pitied because of our alternative choices.
So if we validate that someone is doing something we'd like to be doing (like going to a sports game or travelling), and they don't know how much money we earn or have saved, it only makes sense that they assume we have less than they do. So they pity us. I've even had friends offer to pay for things so we can join in.
So my friends, how do you deal with this? How do you gracefully decline activities, be polite and genuinely excited for the things your friends and family are doing even if you wouldn't, and avoid the pity party?
Phoebe
Unfortunately these kinds of conversations are all too prevalent in my life and the ones where we discuss ideas, dreams, and the meaning of life are too few and far between. My husband and I were chatting on the way home, and I said that I get sick of hearing about how everyone else is spending their money and he said "it sounds like you're jealous of their spending - maybe we should spend more." But I thought about it, and that's not actually the case. I'm not jealous of the spending, I'm jealous of the perceived success that accompanies it.
For my entire life I have equated spending with wealth. When someone goes out and buys a new Mercedes, I think they must be making a fortune. When someone purchases their first home or gets it remodeled I think they must have a nice nest egg all saved up. And when I share that we are still driving our old cars, renting a small apartment, and not travelling around the world, I sense that people feel sorry for me. I sense that they assume that since my husband is in a creative field, they know he must not make a lot of money, and that we must be struggling. I sense that they think we are putting off having a baby, buying a house, and upgrading our cars because we need to get our finances under control first.
And the pity is what I hate more than anything. What's crazy is that I make far more money than my husband's family would ever guess. We are surely not to be pitied with our savings cushion and bright future ahead of us, and I wonder how I could change how we are perceived without being crass and flat out saying that we have money saved or are planning on retiring in our 30's (while I don't think that is crass, it's just not something I want to get into and have to defend at a family get together).
What I find most challenging is that I think everyone assumes we want the typical consumerist life that they are living, and we give them every reason to believe so. When we hear that someone bought a new car we congratulate them even though we don't think it's a good investment, when someone tells us they just bought a home for zero down and spent their down payment on furniture instead we tell them the furniture looks lovely and that the house will be a great investment, and when our friends share photos of them going to sporting events even though we know they have no money saved for their children to go to college we say we "wish we were there."
Our politeness is validating these decisions that we don't agree with and wouldn't make for ourselves. Part of me wants to save face and flat out say "I hope you enjoy the game, but we'd rather save the money" but that seems rude and also judgemental. The only way I have been able to say this at all is by taking a much more self deprecating approach, saying that "I hope you enjoy the game, but we're trying to save up our money" which triggers the pity face almost instantaneously. If they want to spend their money that way, I certainly don't care, but I don't want to be pitied because of our alternative choices.
So if we validate that someone is doing something we'd like to be doing (like going to a sports game or travelling), and they don't know how much money we earn or have saved, it only makes sense that they assume we have less than they do. So they pity us. I've even had friends offer to pay for things so we can join in.
So my friends, how do you deal with this? How do you gracefully decline activities, be polite and genuinely excited for the things your friends and family are doing even if you wouldn't, and avoid the pity party?
Phoebe
Monday, May 13, 2013
Keep Your Money In Your Pockets Tip #28 - Use Bar Soap
This is a post I've been contemplating for some time now. The topic is relatively mundane, and pretty small, but I've been wanting to share a couple of tiny life changing tips and decided to just go for it. Today's post is about bar soap.
Starting when I was in middle school body wash became all the rage with the female portion of the population. Instead of being stuck with a clinical smelling bar of soap we could use fruity smelling gels that are applied with a plush loofa for ultimate luxury. I had every kind under the sun, and spent my formative years picking up half empty bottles that I'd accidentally knocked into the bath tub.
I kept up my body wash routine all through college, and my first years of working, but when I got married everything changed. First, I was determined to not double the amount of products I had to purchase and keep up on simply because I doubled the number of people in my household. With the exception of deodorant we've been able to eliminate choice, and share one version of each toiletry item (i.e. toothpaste, shampoo, lotion, etc.).
I was determined to follow the same path with soap, and one whiff of my stinky boy husband told me that body wash was out of the question. We needed something with serious cleaning power and antibacterial properties. So we started buying bar soap.
It made my stinky boy husband smell crisp and clean but it drove me crazy for two reasons: 1) I hated how mushy it got sitting in the soap slot in the shower and 2) I hated using the tiny shards when the soap was coming to the end of its life, but it felt too wasteful to simply toss them.
Enter the "soap saver." I bought this small life saving device at Walmart for about $1. The soap saver is made of soft flexible rubber and allows the soap to sit atop the little raised nubs while letting the excess water drip through the little holes. In between uses the soap completely dries out and is nice and firm for the next person. No more mushy soap in the morning.
I liked the soap saver because it didn't require me to buy a full caddy (which would also work fine, but I'm going for simplicity) and it was plastic so it would never rust or need to be replaced. We've had ours for about 2 years now and I absolutely love it. It's just a tiny piece of plastic but it makes a world of difference.
To solve the second problem of the too small shards of soap I invented a solution that is so simple and straight forward that I'm actually embarrassed that I didn't think of it sooner. Once the bar of soap gets down to a thin disc, I take a new bar of soap out and wet them both in the shower. Then I place the thin piece of soap on top of the new bar and smush them together. With the water, it's easy to mold the thin piece around the full bar, and the next time I go to use it I simply have a super sized bar.
I'm still using the small piece of soap but it's much easier to handle melded on top of the new bar.
These two simple ideas have made me a bar soap convert. We purchase our bar soap of choice which is Lever 2000 Fresh Aloe in bulk at Sam's club for around $6. This gives us 14 bars and lasts us an entire year. Not only is the soap itself economical, but we never have to buy a loofa again. If you're wondering how this all appeals to guests, don't worry, we don't make them use our soap.
Since I travel I take home mini unopened soaps from hotels and we offer guests their own upon arrival. It's easy and seems a little luxurious for our friends and family that stay over.
So, there you have my thoughts on soap. Who knew there was so much to talk about?
Phoebe
Starting when I was in middle school body wash became all the rage with the female portion of the population. Instead of being stuck with a clinical smelling bar of soap we could use fruity smelling gels that are applied with a plush loofa for ultimate luxury. I had every kind under the sun, and spent my formative years picking up half empty bottles that I'd accidentally knocked into the bath tub.
I kept up my body wash routine all through college, and my first years of working, but when I got married everything changed. First, I was determined to not double the amount of products I had to purchase and keep up on simply because I doubled the number of people in my household. With the exception of deodorant we've been able to eliminate choice, and share one version of each toiletry item (i.e. toothpaste, shampoo, lotion, etc.).
I was determined to follow the same path with soap, and one whiff of my stinky boy husband told me that body wash was out of the question. We needed something with serious cleaning power and antibacterial properties. So we started buying bar soap.
It made my stinky boy husband smell crisp and clean but it drove me crazy for two reasons: 1) I hated how mushy it got sitting in the soap slot in the shower and 2) I hated using the tiny shards when the soap was coming to the end of its life, but it felt too wasteful to simply toss them.
Enter the "soap saver." I bought this small life saving device at Walmart for about $1. The soap saver is made of soft flexible rubber and allows the soap to sit atop the little raised nubs while letting the excess water drip through the little holes. In between uses the soap completely dries out and is nice and firm for the next person. No more mushy soap in the morning.
I liked the soap saver because it didn't require me to buy a full caddy (which would also work fine, but I'm going for simplicity) and it was plastic so it would never rust or need to be replaced. We've had ours for about 2 years now and I absolutely love it. It's just a tiny piece of plastic but it makes a world of difference.
To solve the second problem of the too small shards of soap I invented a solution that is so simple and straight forward that I'm actually embarrassed that I didn't think of it sooner. Once the bar of soap gets down to a thin disc, I take a new bar of soap out and wet them both in the shower. Then I place the thin piece of soap on top of the new bar and smush them together. With the water, it's easy to mold the thin piece around the full bar, and the next time I go to use it I simply have a super sized bar.
I'm still using the small piece of soap but it's much easier to handle melded on top of the new bar.
These two simple ideas have made me a bar soap convert. We purchase our bar soap of choice which is Lever 2000 Fresh Aloe in bulk at Sam's club for around $6. This gives us 14 bars and lasts us an entire year. Not only is the soap itself economical, but we never have to buy a loofa again. If you're wondering how this all appeals to guests, don't worry, we don't make them use our soap.
Since I travel I take home mini unopened soaps from hotels and we offer guests their own upon arrival. It's easy and seems a little luxurious for our friends and family that stay over.
So, there you have my thoughts on soap. Who knew there was so much to talk about?
Phoebe
Friday, May 10, 2013
I've Had Enough
Today was one of those days at work that I am so glad I have a plan for exiting early. What's funny is that I don't actually mind the work itself. I give presentations and need to know my material inside and out because I will be questioned on it and so I work really hard to prepare. I also manage a small team and make sure to set aside time to meet with each member to help them grow and develop. Both of these aspects of my job are very fulfilling.
But days like these, when the gossip is hard to ignore, the politics seem to take over the business, and people are grumbling and hard to please, I want to just throw in the towel. I hate this part of my job that rears its ugly head every once in awhile. It seems to be around certain people that perhaps aren't performing as well and are looking for excuses. When I'm with other people who are focused on our goals, we put our heads down, work our butts off, and have a great time doing it.
So here I sit wondering what I can do to change this, today? Surely I don't need to actually quit in order to gracefully back away from some of these conversations, and I think it's time that I put my own sanity above politeness.
Ultimately that is what keeps me from exiting these conversations, and I suppose at the very root of it there is some lingering fear. I have a fear of not being liked, of having someone say they don't like to work with me, and thus I stand idly by while someone else crushes my spirit.
But I've now reached a point in my career where I am well respected for what I do. I don't have to prove myself by being overly polite while others say vicious things about coworkers. I've earned by right to gracefully exit the conversation, or simply not indulge as someone rants off.
Right now I'm all pumped up and ready to engage, but the truth is that this is easier said than done. Often times while I'm actually talking to someone I'm so focused on them, actively participating in the conversation, trying to be sympathetic to their views, that it's not until after the fact that feelings of guilt and disgust flood over me. I realize that without my knowledge or consent, I was sucked into a conversation that bruised my integrity and my spirit.
But days like this are also a blessing in disguise. Days like this fuel me to continue on this journey to true freedom and independence. They inspire me to find a job where I can actually work and not participate in all of the company drama. At the very least it inspires me to someday find work where I can be my introverted self and not go to the dinner, or the luncheon, where most of the gossip seems to occur. I want to work hard, but have my work stand on it's own and not have to play the office politics to make sure others see that my work is as good as it really is.
For months now I've been toying with the idea of starting my own business. I would like to pursue wedding photography but I would need to invest some time and money (in a camera, lens, software, classes), and so far I haven't been able to justify it. I think this may be the time to pull the trigger. I would love to work in this creative field where I have to be present for one day and then can work independently to produce the final product. I know that brides can be a fussy bunch (I sure was one) but I believe that I can be really great at this, and it would provide me the kind of flexibility I'd be looking for in a second career. It's also something that I can pursue while I continue at my current job, and if I can start generating some money it may allow me to quit sooner.
I have some research to do before I get going, but the wheels are in motion and I'm excited!
It's days like these, ones where I've just had enough, that push me to try new things and reach farther. So for that, I'm going to be grateful and try to let go of the negative feelings that are consuming me. And hopefully I can someday walk away from this altogether.
Phoebe
But days like these, when the gossip is hard to ignore, the politics seem to take over the business, and people are grumbling and hard to please, I want to just throw in the towel. I hate this part of my job that rears its ugly head every once in awhile. It seems to be around certain people that perhaps aren't performing as well and are looking for excuses. When I'm with other people who are focused on our goals, we put our heads down, work our butts off, and have a great time doing it.
So here I sit wondering what I can do to change this, today? Surely I don't need to actually quit in order to gracefully back away from some of these conversations, and I think it's time that I put my own sanity above politeness.
Ultimately that is what keeps me from exiting these conversations, and I suppose at the very root of it there is some lingering fear. I have a fear of not being liked, of having someone say they don't like to work with me, and thus I stand idly by while someone else crushes my spirit.
But I've now reached a point in my career where I am well respected for what I do. I don't have to prove myself by being overly polite while others say vicious things about coworkers. I've earned by right to gracefully exit the conversation, or simply not indulge as someone rants off.
Right now I'm all pumped up and ready to engage, but the truth is that this is easier said than done. Often times while I'm actually talking to someone I'm so focused on them, actively participating in the conversation, trying to be sympathetic to their views, that it's not until after the fact that feelings of guilt and disgust flood over me. I realize that without my knowledge or consent, I was sucked into a conversation that bruised my integrity and my spirit.
But days like this are also a blessing in disguise. Days like this fuel me to continue on this journey to true freedom and independence. They inspire me to find a job where I can actually work and not participate in all of the company drama. At the very least it inspires me to someday find work where I can be my introverted self and not go to the dinner, or the luncheon, where most of the gossip seems to occur. I want to work hard, but have my work stand on it's own and not have to play the office politics to make sure others see that my work is as good as it really is.
For months now I've been toying with the idea of starting my own business. I would like to pursue wedding photography but I would need to invest some time and money (in a camera, lens, software, classes), and so far I haven't been able to justify it. I think this may be the time to pull the trigger. I would love to work in this creative field where I have to be present for one day and then can work independently to produce the final product. I know that brides can be a fussy bunch (I sure was one) but I believe that I can be really great at this, and it would provide me the kind of flexibility I'd be looking for in a second career. It's also something that I can pursue while I continue at my current job, and if I can start generating some money it may allow me to quit sooner.
I have some research to do before I get going, but the wheels are in motion and I'm excited!
It's days like these, ones where I've just had enough, that push me to try new things and reach farther. So for that, I'm going to be grateful and try to let go of the negative feelings that are consuming me. And hopefully I can someday walk away from this altogether.
Phoebe
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